Drabs and Dribs - Season 2
by M H E Priest
Summary: This drabble/dribble series continues with the second season. Up at bat: The Bridge of Lions Affair II - Napoleon and Illya discuss Mr. Waverly.
1. The Alexander the Greater Affair, Part 1

**The Alexander the Greater Affair, Part 1**

Suddenly, Illya was back in Kiev.

His first escape from the orphanage was to his family's bombed-out home, where he would wait for his older brother to return from his service.

But they caught him, brought him back.

The second time was to find his gypsy family, most of whom the Germans had slaughtered.

But they caught him, brought him back.

The third time was to go anywhere but the orphanage; even the streets in the cold would be better.

But they caught him, brought him back, tied a thick, coarse rope around his ankle, effectively strangling hope from him.

Back in the present, he pushed between Napoleon and Tracey and said, "Oh, come on. Let's get those chains off first."

[121 words]


	2. The Alexander the Greater Affair, Part 2

**The Alexander the Greater Affair, Part 2**

"Where's Illya, Sarah? He's late."

"No, he's not. He came into Medical during the night. Something about mummification ..." She didn't finish because Napoleon had already left.

oOo

He found a pale, shivering Illya, stricken look on his face, wrapped in several layers of blankets.

"Nuh-nuh-Napoleon."

Solo smiled gently. "What's up, partner mine? I see you've changed your mind about a new tailor. Are you sure you want to stick with the mummy look? It's so not you."

Illya rolled his eyes. "I'm probably experiencing a delayed reaction to the embalming fluid. And though being swathed in white gauze was quite the fashion statement, I prefer a degree of subtlety in my designs."

"You? A fashion designer?" asked an incredulous Solo.

"One never knows where life will lead one, my friend. Now, could you please get me two Reubens, a bowl of borscht, and two slices of cheesecake from Hiram's Deli?"

Napoleon snorted lightly. "Not very hungry this morning, are you, _tovarishch_?"

Illya smiled sweetly. "And don't forget the egg cream."

"Talk about your bottomless pits," Napoleon muttered as he left the room.

[181 words]


	3. The Ultimate Computer Affair

**The Ultimate Computer Affair**

Illya savored every moment of the lengthy hot shower he finally got to take. _At least Napoleon will have no reason to call me 'filthy.' Now for a long, salty –_ he smirked at the unintended use of the innocent's name _– footbath._

Towel wrapped around his waist, he exited the bathroom to find Napoleon clutching a bag of Epsom salts to his chest.

"Give that to me, Napoleon. I need those salts."

"And I need Salty."

Illya grumbled something intelligible. "It's not my fault she believed _me_."

"Make her believe you again so we can both have a ... salty evening."

"Fine." Illya dressed and left the room in a huff.

It was thirty minutes before Napoleon realized Illya wasn't coming back. "Well," he said, patting the bag gently, "looks like _you_ _'_ _r_ _e_ my salty treat tonight."

As he soaked his feet, he plotted his next move against the wily Russian. Revenge would be sweet.

[152 words]


	4. The Foxes and Hounds Affair

**The Foxes and Hounds Affair**

Merlin now knew one of Illya's most closely guarded secrets.

He wasn't ashamed of what he'd done as a child. What he'd done to survive. What he'd done to exact retribution for the torture and torching of his family.

He'd washed his hands of that blood years ago.

 _Chert! Why did I have to think of that?_

Cantrell would surely ask him what he'd been thinking. Or worse, put it in his report, which Napoleon would read.

Then Napoleon would ask him. If he ever found out, Illya was certain Napoleon would no longer be his partner—or his friend.

[100 words]

 _Bonus Dribble!_

"What was the big idea, reprogramming my communicator, Illya?"

"Why do you think I did such a reprehensible thing? That would've put you in danger, Napoleon. I would never do that. I simply have neither the time nor the patience to break in a new partner."

"I'll break – Fine. I believe you. But if I ever find out you did that dastardly deed, I'll have you wearing green for the rest of your sordid little life."

"I'll refuse. Green is not a good color on me. And why green?"

"I've always wanted a pet leprechaun."

[95 words]


	5. The Discotheque Affair

**The Discotheque Affair**

Napoleon sneered as the THRUSH woman who had tied him to the bars left without a glance at the captives.

"Must you always begin a rescue by getting captured yourself? This is not a particularly efficient way to do your job."

"Hey, you got nabbed first, IK. That is not a particularly competent way to do your job."

"You could have escaped the clutches of four heavily armed women and one man with a lethal cane? I think not, Napoleon."

"Of course I could have. How do you think I got to be chief enforcement agent?"

"Bribery, blackmail, or both?"

[100 words]


	6. The Re-Collectors Affair

**The Re-Collectors Affair**

Now that Genevieve and Demos were in the hands of the authorities, Napoleon approached Lisa, who stayed in close proximity to Illya, to Napoleon's consternation.

"My dear signorina, would you join me for the evening meal, followed by some dancing?"

Lisa twined her arm around Illya's and snuggled close to him. "I do appreciate the invitation, Mr. Solo, but my 'fiancé' and I have plans to break our too-brief engagement in a most amicable fashion. Don't we, _caro mio_?"

Surprised, Illya recovered quickly. He beamed, a rare event. "Of course. Shall we?"

They turned together. Illya tossed a gloating glance over his shoulder at the dumbfounded Solo.

"Must be the glasses," Napoleon mused. "Maybe I'll get a pair."

[118 words]


	7. The Arabian Affair

**The Arabian Affair**

As soon as Illya found out that the Arabs thought he was related to T. E. Lawrence, he began hatching a stratagem.

Recall of the movie he had seen with Napoleon was easy enough. Now to weave a story that would convince his captors that he truly was the son of the liaison to Faisal.

For a moment, he pondered how different his life would have been if he had been Lawrence's son. A life in England, little fear of starvation and an early death in the war. Maybe a teaching post at Cambridge, or research. No injuries or scars to tell of those injuries. No killing.

No Napoleon Solo.

He smiled, content with his circumstances.

[116 words]

 _Bonus Drabble!_

"First you make fun of the burnoose -"

"You mean 'dress'?"

" _Burnoose_ , you idiot. It is considered a great honor to wear it, especially for an outsider."

"Oh, my, yes, dear Illya. Such a great honor to dress up like a girl."

"You are hopelessly daft. And then you had the audacity to call me a ... a bunny!"

"Well, that suit you were wearing did bunch up around your, um, bottom. Like a tail. I call 'em like I see 'em. Now hush. Almost done patching you up yet again. Afraid this'll leave a scar."

A scar Illya was fine with having.

[100 words]


	8. The Tigers Are Coming Affair

**The Tigers Are Coming Affair**

"You're awfully quiet, _tovarishch_. Something bothering you?"

Illya sighed. "If you must know, I am disturbed that Quillon may not pay for the murders of Julali and Ferak. I fear the judicial system is as corrupt as the prince."

"Other than the death penalty, what do you think would be a just sentence?"

"Work in the old ruby mines perhaps. Trussed up as bait for a tiger hunt. With that moustache of his, he could easily pass for a goat."

"How about dental care from Suzanne? Her skills must be rusty."

Illya bared his teeth in a predatory grin. "How Machiavellian of you, Napoleon."

"I aim to _extract_ justice."

[109 words]


	9. The Deadly Toys Affair

**The Deadly Toys Affair**

Fascinated, Napoleon watched Illya repair Waverly's gas-spraying pen. He should be used to it by now, what with the unexpected things Illya concealed within his clothes.

But a jeweler's loupe?

Later, Napoleon asked, "What's with the loupe, Illya? Are you going into the diamond appraisal business?"

Illya rolled his eyes. "It is simply a magnifier, Napoleon. There are many uses for it. For example, I find it quite handy when building or defusing an explosive. If you ever attended any of my refresher sessions, you'd know I recommend all agents carry one."

"Why should I? I usually have Harpo Marx with me."

"Who is this Harpo Marx? A long-lost relation of Karl Marx?"

"No. _Your_ brother from a different mother, I believe."

[122 words]


	10. The Cherry Blossom Affair

**The Cherry Blossom Affair**

Napoleon closed the folder on Illya's report. "Seems we both nearly met the same fate, IK."

Illya looked up and across the partners' desk. "And what would that be, Napoleon?"

"A case of total body piercing."

"You faced a pit of spikes as well?"

"No. I was stretched out over a rather grim garden of very pointy, very fast-growing bamboo."

Illya shuddered slightly at the thought of their near-demises. "A rather … distinctive and gruesome way to go."

"No chopsticks for me any time soon." He took a sip of coffee.

"And I'll put off the ear piercing for now."

The next second, Illya was spattered with a spray of hot beverage.

"Switch to tea, Napoleon. It doesn't stain as badly."

[120 words]


	11. The Virtue Affair

**The Virtue Affair**

"How about here?" Napoleon indicated a grassy patch of ground for the trio's impromptu picnic.

"This will work beautifully!" Albert started to sit, but Illya stopped her.

"Please, allow me." He wrenched off his lab coat and spread it on the grass.

"Ah, Illya, there's a target painted on your shirt."

"I am aware, Napoleon."

"But why? Curious minds want to know, as does your _superior_."

"I was hunted by three men with bows and arrows earlier today. Until they became the hunted." A corner of Illya's mouth quirked up in smug success.

Napoleon shuddered at Illya's callousness. "Those who sling arrows die by the arrow?"

"Precisely. It was their ... outrageous misfortune."

[112 words]


	12. The Children's Day Affair

**The Children's Day Affair**

"I've seen worse," Napoleon said as he cleaned the wounds on Illya's back. The whimpers and hisses coming from his partner's mouth disturbed him more than he cared to admit. "Who did this to you?"

"Mother Fear."

Napoleon winced at the quaver in Illya's voice. "No Ma Kettle, eh?"

"Who?" Illya gasped when Napoleon touched a particularly raw spot.

"Never mind. So, who were those two older kids who captured me? Certainly not the Hardy Boys."

"Napoleon, cease with the obscure references. I am in no mood." Illya suppressed another gasp. "Tom and Huck. Her hell-spawn, I assume."

"Mark Twain must be turning over in his grave."

This reference Illya knew. "If I have anything to say about it, they'll be rolling into theirs soon."

Illya's sullen tone told Napoleon not to pursue this line of conversation further. For now.

[140 words]


	13. The Adriatic Express Affair

**The Adriatic Express Affair**

"Napoleon, you must stop telling lies about me. I am _not_ a cat burglar. Having my name associated with such a criminal type not only sullies my reputation but that of U.N.C.L.E.'s as well."

Solo sipped champagne to hide his mischievous smile. "Are you accusing me of calumny?"

"If the boot fits."

"'Shoe.' Take it as a compliment. You do excel at feline-ish heists."

"I suppose you consider being called a 'masher' as a compliment?"

"Of course! I embrace every aspect of my multi-faceted personality."

Illya raised his flute, tilting it toward his friend. "You're incorrigible, Napoleon. Happy New Year."

"And you are stealthy. _S Novym Godom_ , Illya."

Illya groaned. "Please, stick with mashing women and not my mother tongue."

[120 words]


	14. The Yukon Affair

**The Yukon Affair**

 _Part one thing, part another_.

Illya suddenly found himself unable to keep the emotional distance from this innocent, because with those five words, Murphy had breached his defenses.

He had to look away, hide his own pained expression. In Europe, and more so in the U.S., despite his affiliation with U.N.C.L.E., he was regarded with suspicion, sometimes flagrant hostility, only trusted with unspoken, chary caveats attached.

When he went back to the USSR, he was treated with an abhorrence reserved for traitors, no longer considered a true son of Mother Russia.

Itinerant in the world, pariah in his homeland, belonging nowhere but to an organization and a partner that shared his values.

He shook off the indulgent self-pity, again acknowledged life wasn't fair. He had an innocent to protect—and use.

[131 words]


	15. The Very Important Zombie Affair

**The Very Important Zombie Affair**

Napoleon thanked the man who served him his lunch. He almost asked Ambrose, who seemed a little off, if he was feeling okay, but he held his tongue.

He ate fast and alone; Waverly was breathing down his neck for the overdue Section II evaluations.

By the time the door to his office opened, nausea was making itself known.

He took a few deep breaths before advancing to his desk. Then he saw it on the blotter.

A voodoo doll with his head shot fastened to it, along with a pin stuck in the area analogous to his stomach.

For the briefest of moments, irrational fear hit him, thinking someone here had the power to make voodoo real.

Then he thought of Ambrose's demeanor. U.N.C.L.E.'s nausea-inducing drug. His devious, practical-joke-loving partner.

"Illya!"

[132 words]


	16. The Dippy Blonde Affair

**The** **Dippy Blonde** **Affair**

Illya pulled the sleeping THRUSH driver from the car. He jumped into the vacated seat, then proceeded to shake his drenched hair.

Jojo squealed as the splatters hit her. Napoleon growled and sputtered dramatically. "Really, Illya, must you?"

"I don't see any towels in the vicinity, Napoleon." He glanced in the rear view mirror. "I see only a ... hound dog going through his paces with yet another … female of the species."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jojo demanded.

"I suggest you ask Napoleon, Miss Tyler. Surely, you must suspect he is something of a Casanova. I should know. I've had to console many broken hearts over the years."

"Mr Solo! Is that true?"

Napoleon grimaced his annoyance. "Illya, you called Pendleton a bumpkin and me a … Well, you're getting far too familiar with American slang."

Illya smiled evilly as he cranked the engine. "I have more. Would you like to hear them?"

"No!"

[153 words]


	17. The Deadly Goddess Affair

**The** **Deadly Goddess** **Affair**

"Do you also sing _O Solo Mio_?" asked an exhausted and cranky Illya.

Napoleon shot him a sneer. "My, you really _are_ a reckless flibbertigibbet. And a very wet one, at that." He calmly appraised Illya's clothing. "You know, Mr. Waverly won't be pleased that you've ruined a perfectly good shirt. And that suit. Tsk, tsk, my little Puck."

Illya flopped onto his back. "I am neither little nor impish, Napoleon. Now, be a _Goodfellow_ and bring the boat ashore so I can crawl aboard."

Napoleon chuckled. "Aren't you a Sludge. Sorry, Illya, can't risk getting my suit muddied. Enjoy the stroll back to town." He flipped his partner a salute and rowed away.

"Napoleon! You'll pay for this!"

[119 words]

A/N: According to Wikipedia, _f_ _libbertigibbet_ (used by IK after Angela chooses NS as her groom and recognized by my word processor's spellchecker – go figure) is a Middle English word meaning a flighty or whimsical person. It's a synonym for Puck, aka Robin Goodfellow. Dickie Sludge is a character in Sir Walter Scott's _Kenilworth_ , in which Sludge's alias is Flibbertigibbet.


	18. The Birds and the Bees Affair

**The** **Birds and the Bees** **Affair**

Illya followed trailed behind Waverly and Solo, too ashamed to walk with them. After all, his plan – and he – had failed spectacularly. Mozart still had the bees, New York was at risk, and there was a possibility Waverly would fire him for his ineptitude.

Or worse, reassign him to some dismally hot and humid station in the tropics. No Napoleon. Insects of all sorts, venomous snakes, probably wild dogs.

He hated dogs.

As Waverly and Napoleon veered off, Illya came to a halt in the corridor, hung his head in shame.

Perhaps Mozart would find a place for him.

On the other hand, an assignment in the rain forest looked pretty appealing.

[112 words]


	19. The Waverly Ring Affair

**The** **Waverly Ring** **Affair**

Illya sat in his office, furiously writing while waiting for Mr. Waverly to remove his priority ring. Not that he was wasn't confident in Waverly's appitude with the removal device. It was simply that mistakes could happen. Or a seizure. Perhaps an earthquake or tornado. So many things could interfere with Waverly's steadiness.

Napoleon entered without knocking, as usual. "Whatcha doin'?"

Illya frowned at Napoleon's childish contractions. "If you must know, I'm writing a letter to a friend."

"Oh, really? You have one of those, do you?" Napoleon wandered over to stand behind Illya. He cast a glance at the stationery. "Hmm. And you call _my_ writing illegible."

An impatient sigh, then, "It's Cyrillic, Napoleon."

"Guess you failed penmanship in grammar school."

"At least I didn't fail good manners."

[129 words]


	20. The Bridge of Lions Affair, Part 1

**The** **Bridge of Lions** **Affair,** **Part** **1**

"Kuryakin here."

"How's the wound, _tovarishch_?"

"Inconsequential."

"Aren't they always with you? I'm glad you're out of the hospital. So, Waverly tells me you're _catting_ around with your brethren."

"Please, Napoleon, I leave catting around up to you. And don't call me a cat burglar or a pussycat or any other feline noun."

"But Illya, you and cats go together like peanut butter and jelly."

"A more suitable comparison would be kasha and noodles. And I'll admit I like cats."

"Now I know what to get you for your birthday, tiger."

"Napoleon, do you pay attention to _anything_ I say?"

"Sorry, partner, the connection is break -" Napoleon smiled as he shut off his communicator.

[115 words]


	21. The Bridge of Lions Affair, Part 2

**The** **Bridge of Lions** **Affair,** **Part** **2**

"You should've seen Mr. Waverly in that wine press with Miss Sweet and me, Illya. Cool as a cucumber. And quite loquacious."

"Yes, I have noticed his tendency to be... chatty at times. Rather disarming. We've both used that tactic, but I must concede Mr. Waverly is its master."

Napoleon sighed. "It's too bad about Gritsky's process. Can you imagine it being used on Waverly? With him around longer, THRUSH's chances of survival would plummet."

Illya cocked an eyebrow. "True, but it is not the way of the universe."

"Yes, Mother Nature, like any woman, doesn't care to be fooled."

Illya smirked. "You would know."

[105 words]


End file.
